Saddam Hussein Is Hitler Like Oasis Was

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

I Don't Dislike Children, I Just Don't Particularly Want To Be Around With Them A Lot. Problem Is, Neither Do Their Parents.

I Wouldn't Touch A Hot Dog Unless You Put A Condom On It! You Realize That The Job Of A Hot Dog Is To Use Parts Of The Animal That The Chinese Can't Figure Out How To Make Into A Belt?

New Rule: Stop Asking Miss Usa Contestants If They Believe In Evolution. It’s Not Their Field. It’s Like Asking Stephen Hawking If He Believes In Hair Scrunchies. Here’s What They Know About: Spray Tans, Fake Boobs And Baton Twirling. Here’s What They Don’t Know About: Everything Else. If I Cared About The Uninformed Opinions Of Some Ditsy Beauty Queen, I’d Join The Tea Party.

I Have A Problem With People Who Take The Constitution Loosely And The Bible Literally.