It's Nice To Be Included In The

The Man Who Accused Richard Simmons Of Slapping Him In An Airport Has Dropped The Assault Charge. Dropped It! Upon Hearing The News, Simmons Sadly Responded, "you Mean I'm Not Going To Prison?"

A Recent Police Study Found That You're Much More Likely To Get Shot By A Fat Cop If You Run.

There's No Doubt About It, Show Business Lures The People Who Didn't Get Enough Love, Attention, Or Approval Early In Life And Have Grown Up To Become Bottomless, Gaping Vessels Of Terrifying, Abject Need. Please Laugh.

The Patriots Deflated Balls Are But An Allegory For America's Deflated Balls In Dealings With Putin, The Mullahs In Iran, And Islamic Terrorists.

The Current Tax Code Is Harder To Understand Than Bob Dylan Reading Finnegans Wake In A Wind Tunnel.