If You Can't Be Kind, At Least

Being A Good Husband Is Like Being A Good Stand-up Comic - You Need Ten Years Before You Can Even Call Yourself A Beginner.

If Someone's Lying, Are Their Pants Really On Fire

I Have A Friend Who's Collecting Unemployment Insurance. This Guy Has Never Worked So Hard In His Life As He Has To Keep This Thing Going. He's Down There Every Week, Waiting On The Lines And Getting Interviewed And Making Up All These Lies About Looking For Jobs. If They Had Any Idea Of The Effort And Energy That He Is Expending To Avoid Work, I'm Sure They'd Give Him A Raise.

Success Is The Enemy Of Comedy.

We Got The Hot Fudge On The Bottom.... That Allows You To Control The Fudge Distribution While You're Eating Your Ice Cream.