If The Garbage Man Calls, Tell Him

He [groucho's Father] Had Absolutely No Training, And If You Had Ever Seen One Of His Suits, You'd Realize What An Accurate Statement That Is. You See, Pop Never Used A Tape Measure. He Didn't Believe In It. He Said He Could Just Look At A Man And Tell His Size, With The Result That Frequently He'd Make A Pair Of Pants With One Trouser Leg Seven Or Eight Inches Longer Than The Other.

I Met My Wife On A Ferry Boat, And When We Landed She Gave Me The Slip

A Woman Is An Occasional Pleasure But A Cigar Is Always A Smoke.

If You've Heard This Story Before, Don't Stop Me, Because I'd Like To Hear It Again.

In Hollywood, Brides Keep The Bouquets And Throw Away The Groom.