Comedy Is Truth. We Should Not Apologize

That Baby Is So Ugly... I've Never Seen A Six-month-old So Desperately In Need Of A Wax.

My Routines Come Out Of Total Unhappiness. My Audiences Are My Group Therapy.

People Say That Money Is Not The Key To Happiness, But I Always Figured If You Have Enough Money, You Can Have A Key Made.

At My Funeral, I Want Meryl Streep Crying In Five Different Accents.

I Said To My Husband, 'why Don't You Call Out My Name When We're Making Love?' He Said, 'i Don't Want To Wake You Up.'